Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
M. Night Shyamalan is an asshole
A friend of mine is gonna let me borrow Devil, the latest M. Night Shyamalan film, and I’m gonna review it. As you may already know, I despise M. Night Shitface, and all his horrid films, he is a one-trick pony. Despite the quality of his work and its reception by major film critics, Shyamalan was still an undisputed box office king, and got to do pretty much whatever he wanted. Apparently, what he wanted most was to make a series of movies that sucks worse than the Twilight series. So, to preface this upcoming review, I want to touch back on the filth he’s bestowed on us before.
1.) The Sixth Sense- is a 1999 psychological thriller about a kid who can see dead people. There are so many reasons to dislike The Sixth Sense, it’s hard to keep them all straight. The Sixth Sense has been praised for its “pacing,” when in fact it is just plain dull. Haley Joel stares at Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis stares at Toni Colette. Toni Colette stares at Haley Joel. this is wasting my fucking time.
Nothing the movie tells us turns out to be true: when Haley Joel finally does come out with the fact that he sees dead people “everywhere, all the time,” this isn‘t true, he sees about 6 or 7 dead people the whole movie. And Bruce Willis, he’s supposed to be playing this awesome child psychologist, acts as if he’s never spoken to a kid in his life. He seems to win Haley Joel’s trust by hanging around and staring at him while he plays with toys. And when Willis finally does believe the kid, it violates the very premise of the movie. Haley Joel is supposed to be the only person who can see or hear ghosts. Bruce Willis doesn’t realize he’s dead and can’t hear or see ghosts. And yet Bruce Willis is able to hear a ghost that has been recorded on a cassette tape? Does this cassette recorder have the Sixth Sense too? Or maybe, since Willis has to turn the volume up to 10 (or all the way to 11, lol) before he can hear the ghost ,are dead people just very, very quiet?
By the time we get the “Oh My God I’m Already Dead” look from Willis, I’m ready to leave the damn theater. Keep in mind, we’re meant to be so blown away that we don’t consider the fucking problems this surprise causes:
1.) Haley Joel should have seen Willis for what he was: a dead guy.
2.) Even if Haley Joel was fooled into thinking Willis was alive, he probably would have talked to someone about the therapist who was following him around everywhere he went.
3.) The ending is the reason for the movie. The movie could have been twenty minutes long, So M. Night Shyamalan had to fill up an hour and a half of film with staring, highlighting, and dead people, just so he could pull the old “But he’s already dead” trick on us.
2.) Unbreakable - a 2000 superhero drama with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson is an artist and a comic book-obsessed man with a rare disease which his bones break easily.
Willis is a guy who apparently can’t die. The two of them seem to be linked by a curve, but sitting on opposite ends (which is something Jackson keeps repeating). Everything hints to comic book classic arch-enemies, which seems to be the fantasy of Jackson. The entire premise would cool as shit, had they sped the process along. Instead it moves like a line at the DMV. There is then the twist, Jackson is the villain. If this review seems short or lacking, it’s because the movie was slow as shit and has nothing really to comment about.
3.) Signs - a 2002 science fiction film staring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. This movie taught me that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fucking basement.
4.) The Village - a 2004 film again with a steaming pile of Joaquin Phoenix. The trailers tried so hard to make you believe that it was a horror movie dealing with these animal like creatures in the local woods. But it’s not. What it is, is set in Pennsylvania in 1897, the story of the small village, population like 50 people, surrounded by a woods inhabited by a race of "mythical creatures," and a young man (good ol’ “I’m Still Here” Joaquin) who questions the policy of keeping the village’s citizens completely confined to the village.
Joaquin Phoenix sucks with his awful whispering throughout this whole flick. The wrong brother died and we are all suffering for it. Anyone with a silent J at the beginning of his name should have hot coffee thrown at them. Even better than Joaquin, Adrian Brody plays a laughable retard.
Anyway, they don’t leave the village because of these “creatures”. but of course, there is an over-achiever that has to know what lies beyond his village. Retard Brody stabs Joaquin, so the blind daughter of the chief Elder, against the wishes of the other Elders, goes through the forest to seek out medicine for ol’ hare-lip-face. We then find out the first part of the twist: the “creatures” were created by the Elders to scare the children from the woods in an attempt to keep them from leaving the village. Then the blind whiny bitch comes across a park ranger and oh! It’s modern times!
The whole film feels like M. Night Shitsandwich envision this awesome twist ending and was trying to fill in plot to get to this ending. The Village would have been better if it was a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone.
1.) The Sixth Sense- is a 1999 psychological thriller about a kid who can see dead people. There are so many reasons to dislike The Sixth Sense, it’s hard to keep them all straight. The Sixth Sense has been praised for its “pacing,” when in fact it is just plain dull. Haley Joel stares at Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis stares at Toni Colette. Toni Colette stares at Haley Joel. this is wasting my fucking time.
Nothing the movie tells us turns out to be true: when Haley Joel finally does come out with the fact that he sees dead people “everywhere, all the time,” this isn‘t true, he sees about 6 or 7 dead people the whole movie. And Bruce Willis, he’s supposed to be playing this awesome child psychologist, acts as if he’s never spoken to a kid in his life. He seems to win Haley Joel’s trust by hanging around and staring at him while he plays with toys. And when Willis finally does believe the kid, it violates the very premise of the movie. Haley Joel is supposed to be the only person who can see or hear ghosts. Bruce Willis doesn’t realize he’s dead and can’t hear or see ghosts. And yet Bruce Willis is able to hear a ghost that has been recorded on a cassette tape? Does this cassette recorder have the Sixth Sense too? Or maybe, since Willis has to turn the volume up to 10 (or all the way to 11, lol) before he can hear the ghost ,are dead people just very, very quiet?
By the time we get the “Oh My God I’m Already Dead” look from Willis, I’m ready to leave the damn theater. Keep in mind, we’re meant to be so blown away that we don’t consider the fucking problems this surprise causes:
1.) Haley Joel should have seen Willis for what he was: a dead guy.
2.) Even if Haley Joel was fooled into thinking Willis was alive, he probably would have talked to someone about the therapist who was following him around everywhere he went.
3.) The ending is the reason for the movie. The movie could have been twenty minutes long, So M. Night Shyamalan had to fill up an hour and a half of film with staring, highlighting, and dead people, just so he could pull the old “But he’s already dead” trick on us.
2.) Unbreakable - a 2000 superhero drama with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson is an artist and a comic book-obsessed man with a rare disease which his bones break easily.
Willis is a guy who apparently can’t die. The two of them seem to be linked by a curve, but sitting on opposite ends (which is something Jackson keeps repeating). Everything hints to comic book classic arch-enemies, which seems to be the fantasy of Jackson. The entire premise would cool as shit, had they sped the process along. Instead it moves like a line at the DMV. There is then the twist, Jackson is the villain. If this review seems short or lacking, it’s because the movie was slow as shit and has nothing really to comment about.
3.) Signs - a 2002 science fiction film staring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. This movie taught me that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fucking basement.
4.) The Village - a 2004 film again with a steaming pile of Joaquin Phoenix. The trailers tried so hard to make you believe that it was a horror movie dealing with these animal like creatures in the local woods. But it’s not. What it is, is set in Pennsylvania in 1897, the story of the small village, population like 50 people, surrounded by a woods inhabited by a race of "mythical creatures," and a young man (good ol’ “I’m Still Here” Joaquin) who questions the policy of keeping the village’s citizens completely confined to the village.
Joaquin Phoenix sucks with his awful whispering throughout this whole flick. The wrong brother died and we are all suffering for it. Anyone with a silent J at the beginning of his name should have hot coffee thrown at them. Even better than Joaquin, Adrian Brody plays a laughable retard.
Anyway, they don’t leave the village because of these “creatures”. but of course, there is an over-achiever that has to know what lies beyond his village. Retard Brody stabs Joaquin, so the blind daughter of the chief Elder, against the wishes of the other Elders, goes through the forest to seek out medicine for ol’ hare-lip-face. We then find out the first part of the twist: the “creatures” were created by the Elders to scare the children from the woods in an attempt to keep them from leaving the village. Then the blind whiny bitch comes across a park ranger and oh! It’s modern times!
The whole film feels like M. Night Shitsandwich envision this awesome twist ending and was trying to fill in plot to get to this ending. The Village would have been better if it was a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Ten More Movies that I Hate.
Ten More Movies that I Hate.
1) CELLULAR - twelve things I learned from this movie:
1) If you want immediate service at a Cell phone store, shoot the ticket machine with a gun.
2) It's not stealing a cell phone charger if you leave the money for it with the clerk.
3) Everyone in LA has cell phone service with "457 Communications"
4) If you click enough wires in a shattered phone while trapped in an attic, you will eventually reach the guy who will save you.
5) That "You can't bullshit a lawyer baby!"
6) That if you try to pass a bus on a Geo Metro with the words "Safety First" painted on the body, you will almost certainly fail
7) That it's not a beauty parlor, it's a day spa
8) That it's the algae that makes the Avocado Face Creme work
9) That Kim Bassinger has more fight than Ryan
10) That body pumps 30 L of blood per minutes, but there's only 5 in the body
11) That Felix Da Housecat's Sinnerman (Heavenly House Mix) is the gayest chase music.
12) That it is entirely likely that your Porsche will be stolen right in front of you twice...in the same day...by the same guy.
2) RUSH HOUR 3 - Jackie Chan hate this franchise, and I found a quote from him, so I’m letting him do the talking:
Chan’s said he hates Rush Hour so does he still feel that way after doing Rush Hour 3? “Not hate,” explained Chan. “In the beginning, like Rush Hour 1, I hate to do…how should I say? Not hate, I'd lost confidence in the American market. I don't know what American audiences like. My manager begged me to do it until I proved the audience [doesn’t] like these kinds of movies or they don't like you. Then I make Rush Hour 1. I wasn't lying. I hate the American system. I cannot move the table, I cannot move the dolly. I'm the stunt coordinator. I cannot put my camera angle because that's the DP. The DP controls it. The DP is not the action director! How can he know my angle? I want more days. No, cut. Dialogue, five days. Action, one day. That doesn't make sense. I hate the movie.
By the time we finish, suddenly the director says, ‘Let's act a scene. You say, ‘Hey, ho, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ I don't know the song. ‘Chris will teach you.’ I said, ‘Are you going to sing the song?’ ‘Yeah.’ Chris sings in his normal life. ‘What is it good for?’ I hate that, the whole thing, I hate it, even the movement [bobbing his head]. Then after editing I see the movie and I think, ‘That's it, my career is finished.’
I go back to Asia and I tell all my friends how I hate the American system and I hate Rush Hour. Boom! I get a phone call, big success. I said, ‘What? I don't understand.’ But when I'm in the theater, when I sing, ‘What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ Wow, the audience, whenever I traveled around the world, the children, ‘What is it good for? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?’ Everybody. Then I'm like, ‘Wow, that's how good is Brett Ratner, the director and the writers too.’ Because for me, I don't know the dialogue. I don't know what's the fun. The action, compared to my own movies, my Hong Kong movies, it's nothing. When I'm making an action film in Asia, three months for a five minute fight scene. Dialogue, one day. It's totally different.”
3) DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD - This movie was horrible, why do people make needless prequels? George Lucas, I’m looking at you, motherfucker. Okay, I'll admit that the kid who plays the young Lloyd in this prequel does a pretty spot-on Jim Carrey. But it's saying something when the height of cleverness in this grab bag of short-bus retard jokes and doody gags is right there in the title. The moronic Mutt and Jeff's nemesis is played by Eugene Levy, who needs an intervention on how to say ''no'' before they approach him for The Man 2.
4) JAWS: THE REVENGE - After a Great White eats his plane, Michael Caine gets out of the water in a wet shirt. In the next shot, it's bone-dry. This is the kind of attention to detail that makes the fourth Jaws film really suck. The man-eater follows Mrs. Brody to the Bahamas,(look up the late Richard Jeni’s rant about this) where Mario Van Peebles plays a Rasta marine biologist. The video box boasts that it's ''the most incredible Jaws adventure of them all.'' Which is technically true.
5) BATMAN FOREVER - Never thought I'd be nostalgic for Tim Burton, but at least he directs a movie and gets actual life out of his actors. Joel Schumacher didn't seem to do much beyond tell people where to stand when they spoke their lines. (Apparently, Schumacher boasted in an interview that with actors of this caliber, he didn't have to direct anyone. Well, Joel, we could tell.) We are shown the trappings of Two-Face's nature, but we never get inside it. Not that there's time. There are, after all, about seventy-six plots happening at once here, and they're all over-abbreviated. There's the Two-Face plot the Riddler plot -- these two merge into one about halfway through -- the Robin plot, and the Chase Meridian plot.
The last two plots are both utterly superfluous. Robin serves no real useful function in this movie. If you eliminate Robin, it doesn't change the film one fucking bit. There's no preparation for the Graysons' appearance dramatically, and the Dick Grayson/Robin character is so unnecessary to the rest of it that you forget all about him when he's off-camera.
6)BATMAN AND ROBIN - Batman and robin is director Joel Schumacher’s 1997 follow-up to his successful Batman Forever. Again, there is a new Batman in the form of George Clooney, the same Robin (Chris O’Donnell), and Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman). And guess What, they are out to get Batman! this film sucks more than I can put into words. It is beyond me to describe just how fucking awful this piece of shit is.
7) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR - I’m talking of course about the 2005 remake starring Ryan Reynolds, yeah the same one who is in practically every superhero movie. First of all, I believe George Lutz and his wife made it all up, I remember seeing something on the Discovery Channel about it. But the movie, like the original, and the book before that, boasts that is entirely based on a true story. But this remake takes extreme liberties. The kids don’t even have the same name and Jodie is a kid instead of a demonic ghost pig. A newspaper Kathy finds states that the DeFeos lived in the house for only 28 days before being murdered. This is not true. The DeFeos lived in the house for nine years before being murdered. The Real Estate Agent says the house was built in 1602, while the real house was built in 1942. So this shit flick is loosely even based on anything. I wanted to tell Mr. Reynolds to GET OUT!
8) THE MASK - uh, Jim Carrey, I Hate him. His movies suck, he sucks, he is a slippery demon of assumption comedy. One assumes he is funny cause he flaps his arms around and acts like an ass ( much like Chris Kattan or Dane Cook or a retarded walrus). So like every movie I’ve written about, I look it up on the web, to refresh my memory. I found a message board that I’m going to post, just a few gems.
Posted: 2/28/2005A review of The Mask by Anonymous
YO EVERYONE DIS MOVIE ROCKS DA SEQUEL &*^*S!! BUT JIM CARREY AND CAMERON DIAZ AND EVEN DA BAD GUY DORIAN TYREL DID A GOOD JOB IN DIS MOVIE. I HAVE AN ACUAL MASK OF LOKI THAT TRANSFORMS MY MOST INNER DESIRES TO LIFE I SWEAR TO GOD, I DO ADD MY EMAIL AND FIND OUT I SWEAR I DO!
Posted: 7/16/2004A review of The Mask by chasercj2
this is a rock on move
Posted: 5/7/2004A review of The Mask by Shimira5
I love Jim Carey movies and I have never see a much funnier movie, Especially when he tries to put the mask on in the day and it didn't work when he tried. Jim Carey if you can read this I loved that movie, even though it is old I still love it and I hope you make another one like that one.
Posted: 10/11/2003A review of The Mask by txchic2003
I think that " the mask" is i very bad movie for children of this generation to watch because of the high amount of violence that this movie contains.... yeah right this movie is cool because its awesome! boo ya! Had ya fooled didnt i?!?
Posted: 6/7/2003A review of The Mask by 2cutehottie73
It was good for everyone to pick Jim Carrey for thr roll of this part and it is the funniest movie I have ever saw. People say tat Jim can be very romantic but I don't really believe that (he's too funny!).
So, there you have it, a wonderful example of the fans of Carrey and of the MASK. All sounded Handicapped. Shit, I don’t even feel like I need to review it.
9) GHOST RIDER - Columbia Pictures is officially out to screenwriters for Ghost Rider 2, and Nicolas Cage has already signed on. This is shocking because nobody I know enjoyed the 2007 film when it was released. This movie could have been awesome, but it sucked so bad. Nicolas cage is nearly unwatchable in every movie he is in ( NEXT, FACE/OFF, THE WICKER MAN). I remember in some commentary on the first one how he is such a huge Ghost Rider fan and just had to do this role, and then after getting it, he personally suggested several changes that were used in the film. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was that he didn't want Blaze to be an alcoholic, but instead of eliminating the addiction aspect from his character, he thought that jellybeans would be a great substitution. "Like he could just always be eating them at home. And like have big glass jars of them. Maybe even eat them out of a rocks glass." Is he retarded? Maybe he was thinking about that old PBS show called GHOST WRITERS. The Ghost Rider comics I remember were dark and not candy-coated like jellybeans.
10) EVERY MOVIE WITH ADAM SANDLER IN IT EXCEPT AIRHEADS - Adam Sandler recently said he will only make comedies from now on since "serious actors are always in a bad mood."
Maybe they're ticked off that when he stars with them in such faulty dramatic flicks as REIGN OVER ME and SPANGLISH, nobody buys tickets. I guess don't blame the actor; blame his fans preferring trash like YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN.
Now I know most of you reading this are under his spell of stupidity and are going to write below that “hey, I like Adam Sandler”. I’m sorry, I just don’t like lame, obvious humor and don't think that putting on a stupid voice and talking out of one side of your mouth (Little Nicky) passes for humor. The reasons I 'hate' the man are, unlike his talents, widespread. There certainly isn't enough room in this box, to list them all.
1) CELLULAR - twelve things I learned from this movie:
1) If you want immediate service at a Cell phone store, shoot the ticket machine with a gun.
2) It's not stealing a cell phone charger if you leave the money for it with the clerk.
3) Everyone in LA has cell phone service with "457 Communications"
4) If you click enough wires in a shattered phone while trapped in an attic, you will eventually reach the guy who will save you.
5) That "You can't bullshit a lawyer baby!"
6) That if you try to pass a bus on a Geo Metro with the words "Safety First" painted on the body, you will almost certainly fail
7) That it's not a beauty parlor, it's a day spa
8) That it's the algae that makes the Avocado Face Creme work
9) That Kim Bassinger has more fight than Ryan
10) That body pumps 30 L of blood per minutes, but there's only 5 in the body
11) That Felix Da Housecat's Sinnerman (Heavenly House Mix) is the gayest chase music.
12) That it is entirely likely that your Porsche will be stolen right in front of you twice...in the same day...by the same guy.
2) RUSH HOUR 3 - Jackie Chan hate this franchise, and I found a quote from him, so I’m letting him do the talking:
Chan’s said he hates Rush Hour so does he still feel that way after doing Rush Hour 3? “Not hate,” explained Chan. “In the beginning, like Rush Hour 1, I hate to do…how should I say? Not hate, I'd lost confidence in the American market. I don't know what American audiences like. My manager begged me to do it until I proved the audience [doesn’t] like these kinds of movies or they don't like you. Then I make Rush Hour 1. I wasn't lying. I hate the American system. I cannot move the table, I cannot move the dolly. I'm the stunt coordinator. I cannot put my camera angle because that's the DP. The DP controls it. The DP is not the action director! How can he know my angle? I want more days. No, cut. Dialogue, five days. Action, one day. That doesn't make sense. I hate the movie.
By the time we finish, suddenly the director says, ‘Let's act a scene. You say, ‘Hey, ho, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ I don't know the song. ‘Chris will teach you.’ I said, ‘Are you going to sing the song?’ ‘Yeah.’ Chris sings in his normal life. ‘What is it good for?’ I hate that, the whole thing, I hate it, even the movement [bobbing his head]. Then after editing I see the movie and I think, ‘That's it, my career is finished.’
I go back to Asia and I tell all my friends how I hate the American system and I hate Rush Hour. Boom! I get a phone call, big success. I said, ‘What? I don't understand.’ But when I'm in the theater, when I sing, ‘What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ Wow, the audience, whenever I traveled around the world, the children, ‘What is it good for? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?’ Everybody. Then I'm like, ‘Wow, that's how good is Brett Ratner, the director and the writers too.’ Because for me, I don't know the dialogue. I don't know what's the fun. The action, compared to my own movies, my Hong Kong movies, it's nothing. When I'm making an action film in Asia, three months for a five minute fight scene. Dialogue, one day. It's totally different.”
3) DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD - This movie was horrible, why do people make needless prequels? George Lucas, I’m looking at you, motherfucker. Okay, I'll admit that the kid who plays the young Lloyd in this prequel does a pretty spot-on Jim Carrey. But it's saying something when the height of cleverness in this grab bag of short-bus retard jokes and doody gags is right there in the title. The moronic Mutt and Jeff's nemesis is played by Eugene Levy, who needs an intervention on how to say ''no'' before they approach him for The Man 2.
4) JAWS: THE REVENGE - After a Great White eats his plane, Michael Caine gets out of the water in a wet shirt. In the next shot, it's bone-dry. This is the kind of attention to detail that makes the fourth Jaws film really suck. The man-eater follows Mrs. Brody to the Bahamas,(look up the late Richard Jeni’s rant about this) where Mario Van Peebles plays a Rasta marine biologist. The video box boasts that it's ''the most incredible Jaws adventure of them all.'' Which is technically true.
5) BATMAN FOREVER - Never thought I'd be nostalgic for Tim Burton, but at least he directs a movie and gets actual life out of his actors. Joel Schumacher didn't seem to do much beyond tell people where to stand when they spoke their lines. (Apparently, Schumacher boasted in an interview that with actors of this caliber, he didn't have to direct anyone. Well, Joel, we could tell.) We are shown the trappings of Two-Face's nature, but we never get inside it. Not that there's time. There are, after all, about seventy-six plots happening at once here, and they're all over-abbreviated. There's the Two-Face plot the Riddler plot -- these two merge into one about halfway through -- the Robin plot, and the Chase Meridian plot.
The last two plots are both utterly superfluous. Robin serves no real useful function in this movie. If you eliminate Robin, it doesn't change the film one fucking bit. There's no preparation for the Graysons' appearance dramatically, and the Dick Grayson/Robin character is so unnecessary to the rest of it that you forget all about him when he's off-camera.
6)BATMAN AND ROBIN - Batman and robin is director Joel Schumacher’s 1997 follow-up to his successful Batman Forever. Again, there is a new Batman in the form of George Clooney, the same Robin (Chris O’Donnell), and Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman). And guess What, they are out to get Batman! this film sucks more than I can put into words. It is beyond me to describe just how fucking awful this piece of shit is.
7) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR - I’m talking of course about the 2005 remake starring Ryan Reynolds, yeah the same one who is in practically every superhero movie. First of all, I believe George Lutz and his wife made it all up, I remember seeing something on the Discovery Channel about it. But the movie, like the original, and the book before that, boasts that is entirely based on a true story. But this remake takes extreme liberties. The kids don’t even have the same name and Jodie is a kid instead of a demonic ghost pig. A newspaper Kathy finds states that the DeFeos lived in the house for only 28 days before being murdered. This is not true. The DeFeos lived in the house for nine years before being murdered. The Real Estate Agent says the house was built in 1602, while the real house was built in 1942. So this shit flick is loosely even based on anything. I wanted to tell Mr. Reynolds to GET OUT!
8) THE MASK - uh, Jim Carrey, I Hate him. His movies suck, he sucks, he is a slippery demon of assumption comedy. One assumes he is funny cause he flaps his arms around and acts like an ass ( much like Chris Kattan or Dane Cook or a retarded walrus). So like every movie I’ve written about, I look it up on the web, to refresh my memory. I found a message board that I’m going to post, just a few gems.
Posted: 2/28/2005A review of The Mask by Anonymous
YO EVERYONE DIS MOVIE ROCKS DA SEQUEL &*^*S!! BUT JIM CARREY AND CAMERON DIAZ AND EVEN DA BAD GUY DORIAN TYREL DID A GOOD JOB IN DIS MOVIE. I HAVE AN ACUAL MASK OF LOKI THAT TRANSFORMS MY MOST INNER DESIRES TO LIFE I SWEAR TO GOD, I DO ADD MY EMAIL AND FIND OUT I SWEAR I DO!
Posted: 7/16/2004A review of The Mask by chasercj2
this is a rock on move
Posted: 5/7/2004A review of The Mask by Shimira5
I love Jim Carey movies and I have never see a much funnier movie, Especially when he tries to put the mask on in the day and it didn't work when he tried. Jim Carey if you can read this I loved that movie, even though it is old I still love it and I hope you make another one like that one.
Posted: 10/11/2003A review of The Mask by txchic2003
I think that " the mask" is i very bad movie for children of this generation to watch because of the high amount of violence that this movie contains.... yeah right this movie is cool because its awesome! boo ya! Had ya fooled didnt i?!?
Posted: 6/7/2003A review of The Mask by 2cutehottie73
It was good for everyone to pick Jim Carrey for thr roll of this part and it is the funniest movie I have ever saw. People say tat Jim can be very romantic but I don't really believe that (he's too funny!).
So, there you have it, a wonderful example of the fans of Carrey and of the MASK. All sounded Handicapped. Shit, I don’t even feel like I need to review it.
9) GHOST RIDER - Columbia Pictures is officially out to screenwriters for Ghost Rider 2, and Nicolas Cage has already signed on. This is shocking because nobody I know enjoyed the 2007 film when it was released. This movie could have been awesome, but it sucked so bad. Nicolas cage is nearly unwatchable in every movie he is in ( NEXT, FACE/OFF, THE WICKER MAN). I remember in some commentary on the first one how he is such a huge Ghost Rider fan and just had to do this role, and then after getting it, he personally suggested several changes that were used in the film. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was that he didn't want Blaze to be an alcoholic, but instead of eliminating the addiction aspect from his character, he thought that jellybeans would be a great substitution. "Like he could just always be eating them at home. And like have big glass jars of them. Maybe even eat them out of a rocks glass." Is he retarded? Maybe he was thinking about that old PBS show called GHOST WRITERS. The Ghost Rider comics I remember were dark and not candy-coated like jellybeans.
10) EVERY MOVIE WITH ADAM SANDLER IN IT EXCEPT AIRHEADS - Adam Sandler recently said he will only make comedies from now on since "serious actors are always in a bad mood."
Maybe they're ticked off that when he stars with them in such faulty dramatic flicks as REIGN OVER ME and SPANGLISH, nobody buys tickets. I guess don't blame the actor; blame his fans preferring trash like YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN.
Now I know most of you reading this are under his spell of stupidity and are going to write below that “hey, I like Adam Sandler”. I’m sorry, I just don’t like lame, obvious humor and don't think that putting on a stupid voice and talking out of one side of your mouth (Little Nicky) passes for humor. The reasons I 'hate' the man are, unlike his talents, widespread. There certainly isn't enough room in this box, to list them all.
Ten of the Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen
Ten of the Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen
(Not necessarily in order)
1) Battlefeild Earth – oh god, the horror. I don’t know how scientologists can still have faith after knowing the man who created their religion also created this horrid mess.
2) Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace - after George Lucas wrote this script he must have said to himself "Wow, this the worse thing I've written since that crappy martian Indiana Jones screen play that would ruin the franchise if it was ever made into a movie.” Pod racing. You now what pod racing is? It’s NASCAR. I’m not gonna watch NASCAR, why would I want to watch this? I would like to petition a name change for this film:
Star Wars Episode 1: The Most Retarded of All the Star Wars Movies, Including the Ewok Adventures.
3) The Number 23 - After watching this movie, I crapped 23 times.
4) X-Men Origins: Wolverine - So let’s make a movie about Wolverine, throw in a lot of gratuitous cameos of other mutants — but let’s twist their personalities and abilities to the point where they are unrecognizable. Also, let’s cast Van Wilder and Charlie from “Lost”, and that guy from the Yes We Can video.
5) X-Men: The Last Stand - There is a US government-supported anti-mutant campaign; Magneto wants to respond to the US government plot violently while Xavier stresses the need for diplomacy; Rogue laments her powers; Wolverine experiences internal strife; and Jean Gray dies at the end. Yup – that’s the basic gist of X-Men 2. Unfortunately, all those things happen in X-Men 3 also. Sometimes it is cool if different things happen in a sequel. The other thing line I really hated occurs in the final battle scene, when Wolverine is about to kill Jean Gray. She asks, “You would die for them?” Wolverine responds with, “No, I would die for you.” Then he kills her. Is it just me or doesn’t it seem nonsensical to say you would die for someone and then kill them immediately afterwards?
6) 300 – Only because everyone on the Internet thinks, “This is Sparta” is a funny thing to say or alter.
7) Balls of Fury – Or as I call it: cinematic swamp ass. Dan Fogler, the most obnoxious, loathsome piece of crap Hollywood has ever shit out of its gangrenous butthole. To say he’s a low-rent Jack Black would be a disservice to cockroach infested, crime-ridden Section 8 housing. Is there a way to DeFoglerize movies? To edit him out and replace him with a giant shitmound or even a box turtle? That man is a waste of carbon. I’d suggest wiping your ass with the film stock if it weren’t such an insult to toilet paper.
8) Paul Blart Mall Cop - I really thought this was gonna be a funny film, if not just mildly amusing. I was sadly disappointed. My fiancé and I left after 32 minutes. There was absolutely nothing funny in that flick. On a side note, Blart sounds like a wet fart or like an Australian slang for vagina (Like a messy lady garden- like Predator’s face if he grew an especially unkempt beard.)
9) The matrix - One doesn't expect much from Keanu Reeves, especially when he's asked to act outside his limited range (that range consisting of Speed's Jack Traven and Bill & Ted's Theodore Logan), and he lives down to expectations here. I was never for one moment in any way, shape, or form convinced that he was at all special, messianic, or "the one."
10) Face/Off - This movie is like a diamond-encrusted, cashmere diaper filled with bloody diarrhea. I mean, right off the bat, John Woo is pissing in the viewer's face with all kinds of unnecessary slow motion, cross-fades, and gay (literally) close-ups of nicholas cage's moist lips pursed on a straw. Every line is an unfunny corny one-liner.
(Not necessarily in order)
1) Battlefeild Earth – oh god, the horror. I don’t know how scientologists can still have faith after knowing the man who created their religion also created this horrid mess.
2) Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace - after George Lucas wrote this script he must have said to himself "Wow, this the worse thing I've written since that crappy martian Indiana Jones screen play that would ruin the franchise if it was ever made into a movie.” Pod racing. You now what pod racing is? It’s NASCAR. I’m not gonna watch NASCAR, why would I want to watch this? I would like to petition a name change for this film:
Star Wars Episode 1: The Most Retarded of All the Star Wars Movies, Including the Ewok Adventures.
3) The Number 23 - After watching this movie, I crapped 23 times.
4) X-Men Origins: Wolverine - So let’s make a movie about Wolverine, throw in a lot of gratuitous cameos of other mutants — but let’s twist their personalities and abilities to the point where they are unrecognizable. Also, let’s cast Van Wilder and Charlie from “Lost”, and that guy from the Yes We Can video.
5) X-Men: The Last Stand - There is a US government-supported anti-mutant campaign; Magneto wants to respond to the US government plot violently while Xavier stresses the need for diplomacy; Rogue laments her powers; Wolverine experiences internal strife; and Jean Gray dies at the end. Yup – that’s the basic gist of X-Men 2. Unfortunately, all those things happen in X-Men 3 also. Sometimes it is cool if different things happen in a sequel. The other thing line I really hated occurs in the final battle scene, when Wolverine is about to kill Jean Gray. She asks, “You would die for them?” Wolverine responds with, “No, I would die for you.” Then he kills her. Is it just me or doesn’t it seem nonsensical to say you would die for someone and then kill them immediately afterwards?
6) 300 – Only because everyone on the Internet thinks, “This is Sparta” is a funny thing to say or alter.
7) Balls of Fury – Or as I call it: cinematic swamp ass. Dan Fogler, the most obnoxious, loathsome piece of crap Hollywood has ever shit out of its gangrenous butthole. To say he’s a low-rent Jack Black would be a disservice to cockroach infested, crime-ridden Section 8 housing. Is there a way to DeFoglerize movies? To edit him out and replace him with a giant shitmound or even a box turtle? That man is a waste of carbon. I’d suggest wiping your ass with the film stock if it weren’t such an insult to toilet paper.
8) Paul Blart Mall Cop - I really thought this was gonna be a funny film, if not just mildly amusing. I was sadly disappointed. My fiancé and I left after 32 minutes. There was absolutely nothing funny in that flick. On a side note, Blart sounds like a wet fart or like an Australian slang for vagina (Like a messy lady garden- like Predator’s face if he grew an especially unkempt beard.)
9) The matrix - One doesn't expect much from Keanu Reeves, especially when he's asked to act outside his limited range (that range consisting of Speed's Jack Traven and Bill & Ted's Theodore Logan), and he lives down to expectations here. I was never for one moment in any way, shape, or form convinced that he was at all special, messianic, or "the one."
10) Face/Off - This movie is like a diamond-encrusted, cashmere diaper filled with bloody diarrhea. I mean, right off the bat, John Woo is pissing in the viewer's face with all kinds of unnecessary slow motion, cross-fades, and gay (literally) close-ups of nicholas cage's moist lips pursed on a straw. Every line is an unfunny corny one-liner.
Inception sucked so bad and no one realizes it.And was entirely ripped off of a Scrooge McDuck Comic book.
i went with two of my close friends, Gene Evans and T.C., to so the film Inception starring Dicaprio, Ellen Page and the kid from 3rd rock from the sun.
This movie was garbage, but the entire country can't see it and, as unlikely as it seems, was entirly ripped off of a Scrooge McDuck Comic book. i swear to god, but i'll get to that in a minute. Christopher Nolan’s style shines through and alot of the time you are waiting for Batman to show up, because this movie fits in with the same notions that were put forth by Batman R.I.P. by Grant Morrison. And altough i fucking hated this movie, i do have to admitt that the effects are fascinating. awesome effects.
The premise of the film is that they’re stealing identities through dreams. im gonna spoill the plot so brace yourself.
So Dicaprio plays this guy who's dad invented this machine in which an individual's mind is infiltrated through dreams and information is stolen. Extracted. Extractors and their victims have to sleep in close proximity to one another, connected by the machine that administers a sedative and a shared dream world built on their mental projections. So atm codes and vault codes and any personal info anyone would like to steal, these guys can do it, in a dream.
If the dreamer realizes that a someone has entered his or her subconscious, then the projections will start to try to capture and kill the extracters. This leads to Decaprio explaining a set of rules that extractors take to prevent themselves from becoming lost in the dream world, such as a "totem", an individualized object carried by extractors in order to tell when they are dreaming.
but, every plan is interuppted by a made up "image" of his (Dicaprio's) deceased wife created by his subconciousness. so everytime they get close to something, the fake wife, mel or mal, shows up and fucks everything up.
and thats the movie, they go into this english guy's mind to find the combination to a fake safe, which is english guy's "locked up" secert memory, so they can create an inception, to do something that they never really explain.
everything is cliche', the action scenes, the dialoge, the humor. People that complain about “talking heads” or the wordiness of the American version of The Office, will hate this film. This movie has a lot of closely spoken dialogue that fuels the plot and the rest of the film. if you don’t hear it, youll completely miss the reasoning and plot development of the characters.
One idea in the movie transferred into real life. When your in a dream, it seems longer than real time. 10 minutes turns into two hours or whatever. Well, 2 and a half hours in that theater felt like 5. i HATED the final scene. I Hate it when the directer ends a movie with a question for the audience to answer themselves. was this all a dream, go fuck yourself Christopher Nolan.
tonight i found out Nolan stole this idea From a 1950's scrooge McDuck comic book in which thieves, the Beagle Brothers, invade Scrooge McDuck's dreams to steal the combinations to his vault. In the original comic from which Christopher Nolan straight up stole his idea, Scrooge McDuck’s totem is a 25-pound bar of solid gold. Below is a link to the 26 page comic. see the movie then read the comic.
http://disneycomics.free.fr/Ducks/Rosa/show.php?num=2&loc=D2002-033&s=date
My Reveiw of Resident Evil: Afterlife. oh and it's a spoiler
Anyway, “Afterlife” picks up shortly after the third Resident Evil left off, the Alice clones attempt to kill CEO of the Umbrella Corporation at his underground base in Japan. All the clones are killed in an explosion as the CEO escapes in a troop transport plane thing. The original Alice ambushes him, but Wesker (the CEO) injects her with a serum that neutralizes the T-virus in her system, eliminating her superhuman powers and making her human again. What the fuck? They give her the powers for one fucking film? I hate when filmmakers do a sequel and want to do a certain thing but because of an existing plotline they are prevented to do what they want, so they drastically change things. Kinda like bringing twitchy j fox’s girlfriend to the future and leaving her on the porch. Anyway, Before Wesker can kill Alice, the aircraft crashes and Alice emerges alone from the wreckage. But it’s unclear how she survives, since her powers are gone. Plus, the girl still seems to be pretty damn superhuman-ish for the rest of the movie as far as I can tell.
Months later, Alice follows a repeating emergency broadcast from a survivors' safe haven known as "Arcadia". (remember the last films’ characters were on their way to Alaska?) Stopping on an abandoned beach, Alice finds the helicopter that was taken by Claire and the others when they and Alice parted ways in the previous film. A crazed Claire (that crazy mirror chick from “Heroes“), under the influence of an Umbrella Corporation device attached to her chest ( which looks like the beetle thing from Disney’s Aladdin) attacks her. Alice removes the device, finding that it has damaged Claire's memory. Claire slowly regains bits and pieces ( which is annoying because it‘s just a plot device put in there so we don‘t know the plot in the first half hour of the film.), remembering that soldiers of the Umbrella Corporation ambushed their group when they landed on the beach, attaching the devices to them, though she managed to escape.
Flying a two-person plane, they enter the ruins of Los Angeles (for reasons not shared with the audience) and find a small group of (annoying) survivors living in a maximum security prison, surrounded by zombies. They land the plane on the roof, which had me wondering why?, why the fuck did she risk ruining her plane?
On the roof, Alice learns that Arcadia is actually an oil tanker just off the coast. Since the plane cannot take more than two, Alice and the survivors try to figure out a means to make it to Arcadia together. The survivors are a Douche film producer, his Asian intern, a hot chick, a basketball player, an old guy and a mechanic. I’d talk more about these characters, but really, they’re mostly just fodder for the eventual zombie break-in. There’s not a whole lot going on with “Resident Evil: Afterlife” in terms of character set-up, but honestly, there’s not a whole lot going on in the film itself.
They have been keeping watch on a prisoner, Chris ( who is in the film for no reason), whom they found locked in a maximum security cell when they arrived.
Alice and survivors are out of time to find a means to reach Arcadia ( because this tall zombie gentleman with a huge axe) so they decide to free Chris and use his escape route. Chris recognizes Claire and reveals himself as her brother, though she does not remember him( again, this doesn’t matter to the plot at all, Claire’s relationship with Chris is badly not addressed really, and the two never look or act like anything other than two strangers trapped in a movie together.). Chris' proposed escape method is a stored military vehicle on the first floor, but the vehicle is not operational and they are left with no other option but to use the zombies' tunnel to escape into the sewers, which empties into the coast. The group fights off many zombies in a not very exciting manor. Alice, Claire, and Chris emerging as the only survivors ( who would have thought?) and escape into the sewers.
They continue to Arcadia, finding the ship completely functional, but abandoned. They realize that it is a trap set by Umbrella to lure survivors to the ship to conduct experiments on them in order to find a cure or way to control the zombies. They release the survivors, among them K-Mart ( was this character so beloved that they hade to have a meaningless cameo?), and Alice continues deeper, finding escape helicopters and a purging bomb. Deeper inward, she finds Wesker, who explains that he has been infected by the T-virus, mutating him and granting him super human abilities, but finds it difficult to control. By eating Alice, the only individual to bond successfully with the T-virus, he will be able to gain full mastery of the T-virus. Chris, Claire, and Alice battle Wesker, but he escapes into a helicopter and activates the purging bomb to blow up and kill everyone aboard the Arcadia ship. However, he finds that Alice hid the bomb aboard the helicopter and it is destroyed. During the purging bomb's explosion, a parachute falling from the sky goes unnoticed by Alice, Claire, and Chris... hinting that Wesker may still be alive, *sigh*.
Alice resolves to turn Arcadia into a real safe haven and broadcasts its message for any other survivors. As Claire, Chris, and Alice decide how to proceed with all the survivors, they see an approaching Umbrella assault fleet preparing to take them out.
To be continued.......? Probably. *ugh*
MY Favorite Movie Scenes Vol. 1
Hamburger scene in Pulp Fiction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE9Qm8mShik&feature=related
Donald Duck Vs. Daffy Duck in Who Framed Roger Rabbit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6H9f8qUrF6w
Sparring scene in Foot Fist Way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ezQWunC714
case of the Mondays in Office Space
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4B0pLDqYqI
Tick Tock Gunshot in First Sunday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0ryIlRTZ9g
Sup Niggas in Shaun of the Dead
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkXO-H8RdAM&feature=related
this is my boomstick in Army of Darkness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twcK2T6aeXY
stains in the Outlaw Josey Wales
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oljhJZUdB3c
Danny McBride Gang Scene in Observe and Report
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQunF42gtXI
Don't run we are your friends in mars Attacks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGo1-EVrsx8&feature=related
Singing in Stepbrothers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR6Z6q8RjBs
Jack Black in Run Ronnie Run
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O--uGzo34N4
Im a lead farmer motherfucker in Tropic Thunder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMfCESMLVDk&feature=related
Can't speak Italian in inglorious bastards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF-20HXIhJI&feature=related
movie opener in Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZlSoiE7YlM
Fight Scene in Pineapple Express
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS7dgsf-heg
Shomer Shabbos in The Big Lebowski
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmULYr1nsZ0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE9Qm8mShik&feature=related
Donald Duck Vs. Daffy Duck in Who Framed Roger Rabbit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6H9f8qUrF6w
Sparring scene in Foot Fist Way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ezQWunC714
case of the Mondays in Office Space
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4B0pLDqYqI
Tick Tock Gunshot in First Sunday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0ryIlRTZ9g
Sup Niggas in Shaun of the Dead
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkXO-H8RdAM&feature=related
this is my boomstick in Army of Darkness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twcK2T6aeXY
stains in the Outlaw Josey Wales
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oljhJZUdB3c
Danny McBride Gang Scene in Observe and Report
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQunF42gtXI
Don't run we are your friends in mars Attacks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGo1-EVrsx8&feature=related
Singing in Stepbrothers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR6Z6q8RjBs
Jack Black in Run Ronnie Run
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O--uGzo34N4
Im a lead farmer motherfucker in Tropic Thunder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMfCESMLVDk&feature=related
Can't speak Italian in inglorious bastards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF-20HXIhJI&feature=related
movie opener in Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZlSoiE7YlM
Fight Scene in Pineapple Express
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS7dgsf-heg
Shomer Shabbos in The Big Lebowski
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmULYr1nsZ0&feature=related
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